Chris Pratt really, really loves "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2," and he thinks you'll love it so much it'll leave you knocked up with your own Baby Groot. Yes, you too, fellas! Start planning for child support now.

Pratt proved he's a Don Draper-level marketer with a hilariously hyperbolic letter to fans on Facebook, shared with the new international poster. That the over-the-top plug is signed "Humbly, Starlord" just adds to the majesty:

On May 5th the greatest movie in the history of movies is coming. There has never been and will never again be a movie like this. Seriously. Ever heard of Citizen Kane? We're much better. Seriously. Our movie just tested at over one million points. Rotten tomatoes already has it at 234% fresh. #GotGVol2 will win every movie award AND about 39 Olympic gold medals in swimming, gymnastics, the skiiing event with the gun, x games, snowmobiling and everything. It will win the World Cup and about 7 super bowl rings, sorry TOM Brady. This movie will fry your brains and lift your spirits. James Gunn will be elected president of the world. They will add the faces of the guardians to Mount Rushmore for sure. We're gonna get a planet. May 5th will become a national holiday. Everyone will get pregnant. Candy will fall from the sky. Global warming will stop. Dinosaurs will come back to life. Which unlike some movies might tell you, is actually a really good thing. Because they won't flip out and kill people instead they'll be your awesome pets. So basically get your tickets as soon as you can. Don't be the only person on the planet who doesn't see this movie.
Humbly,
Starlord

Sorry, Tom Brady! Pratt and Ryan Reynolds should win special awards for how they promote films. Whether those films are good are not ("Passengers"?) is up for debate, but they certainly make the journey enjoyable.

By the way, director James Gunn is up for his appointed task:

A few months ago, Pratt said "Guardians 2" would be the "biggest spectacle movie of all time," so it's clear his thoughts have only gotten larger since then. He mentioned it, but the "Guardians" sequel arrives in theaters May 5, aka our new national holiday.

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